As pathetic as I was I still had hope this baby would fix my life, my marriage, I was so ignorant and made absurd choices with serious consequences. I did this just about every day not learning from any of the initial lessons life was throwing my way. I know today that some of the ups & downs I endured, enjoyed were just that; life. Had nothing to do with me trying to run the show, be in control, trying to get what I wanted, when I wanted. So before I became pregnant I remember an argument that of course, turned violent. This level of our marriage had become so repeatative, expected, I basically accepted the way it was thinking this is how it will be. Almost brainwashed because I didn’t have the ability to think sensible and find my way out, to leave him. I mentally just wanted to die. I was locked in the bathroom again curled up in a fetal position begging God to just let me die. Then I went to the kitchen yelling at him I should kill you! I shoved by him to the kitchen and opened the silverware drawer and grabbed the first knife I saw.