MY ULTIMATE LEVEL TO LOVE

I ultimately abandoned #1 with the aid of my family and family friends. I went into labor because I hadn’t seen a doctor throughout my pregnancy, but once the nurses and docs had no idea who I was, if I was ok, etc.… I can think back to the labor pain of 36 hours like it was yesterday. #1 would take off and the room and return hours later. Fall asleep in a chair next to my hospital bed… I was satisfied when I heaved on him from the Demerol I was given. My daughter was born on March 23, 1987.

I wish I could explain how I felt or what a typical mother emotionally senses..

I know I felt my familiar “friend” called FEAR! Nothing unusual here, just a different circumstance my daughter and I underwent..

I brought her home, I was frightened to death! I would frequently study her while she slept, no matter what time it was. If she were too still for my cluelessness, I would softly caress her tiny hand or foot. She would instantly squirm her 5lbs.13oz. body. That gave me solace knowing I’ve kept her alive so far. Then she was almost three weeks old, and having no inkling how to breastfeed or if I was accomplishing it right was what I supposed was wrong with her. She cried at least 20 hours out of every day. Nothing I did help. I bought formula, which she would spit up most of what she swallowed, I’d carry her most of the day and night. I took her to an ER. It never came up to me to call my mom or sister who had a child. It’s not as if they were calling me either.

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