I had not realized the behavior consumed me for years. I have guilt and trauma that has taken years of my life with flashbacks. It’s as if I’m living all the hurt and pain from my past all over again. I wonder when it will subside. When will it stop? Will it ever stop? Will I ever become accepting of my life, myself, the past that I can’t change?

The controlling characteristics I embodied were learned behaviors, examples of my alcoholic father. The first time I heard my parents arguing, screaming from my mom, the sounds of my dad hitting her then finally being witness to the aftermath my mother wore on her face and body. I recall a black eye my mom had the following morning from this violence. The domestic violence that became so regular it pried its learned behavior traits into my soul. I hated my dad more and more. I couldn’t understand if my mom cried from this why wouldn’t my dad stop, improve things,
My dad was a complete raging alcoholic, but growing up I didn’t know it was an addiction he had. An addiction that controlled his every thought and action of every day for years. An addiction that made my dad hateful, physically, and emotionally abusive towards his wife and children. An addiction he would eventually be able to pass on to me and one sister and brother.
An addiction that taught me I needed to be tougher, more controlling to get what I wanted in life. An addiction that also taught me I needed to be a better wife and endure my physical and emotional abuse from two husbands. Why? Because that’s what my mom did, she stayed through it all that’s how it goes, and I didn’t want my parents to see me as a failure.

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