I remember the first time Husband #1 became infuriated. I raised a skepticism about him where he had been all day. “Why couldn’t you call me and let me comprehend what you were doing?” I told him, “ You are an asshole treating me like shit.” “It’s fucked up of you to disappear all day. I was worried about you.”
As I continued with my skepticism and distrust of him, I could see his face contorting and turning red. The muscles in his face began to tighten up. I stared at his hand, making a fist. It was so shocking that he was intimidating me with these gestures. It pissed me off. I felt hostility towards him that he had the nerve to act this way. He worked as if I had no rationale for suspecting him and he would physically harm me. I explained to him through my fear,” I can’t believe you are threatening me! You are acting like you will hit me! Look at you!” he responded, “ If you don’t shut the fuck up, you will get what you deserve bitch!” “Keep pushing me, you c,¥\t with your fucking questions!” “Who the fuck are you to question me?” “You don’t trust me?!” He continued to mumble as he walked toward his car. I just stood there.
My heart plummeted deep into my chest. An agonizing and heavy disconnect washed over me. I felt like I wanted to die. I wished I could vanish. I felt hateful, hurt, perplexed, deserted, disheartened, and on and on. I had never withstood these emotions from anyone, only familiar growing up as a child.
I felt inadequate. I stepped towards his car to get in the passenger side, and he sped off to go home. I didn’t say one word to him the entire car ride home. I had nothing to say. I was still struggling to make sense of what happened. I didn’t even want to look at him. I began to cry quietly. I held my breath, trying to push down my emotions. The tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. I kept brushing them quickly away. It crushed me that day. I had no idea what to do with any of it.
How can he say he loves me after behaving towards me like I signified nothing? I felt what bitterness is basically to him. I felt hate. Then I speculated maybe I was overreacting about his disappearance. Perhaps I was unfair. Possibly he was having an awful day. Everyone has unpleasant days once in a while. I guessed he possibly didn’t imply any of it. How can I be a decent wife so this doesn’t occur again? Abruptly I gave attention to him say my name, and I snapped out of my stupor. I discovered we were home, and I was still sitting in the car. #1 had already got out and was standing holding the car door open, raising a question of I intended on coming in.
AGAINST MY SOUL 