My family and recollections of when I was a child is why I’m making notes. I think back extensively for memories. Some will flee thru my thoughts at random junctures. Usually, because a song came on while I was driving. When I’m irritated, angry, or hurt is when my guilt & trauma becomes overwhelming. It happens so frequently now in my later year of life. I know my guilt & the trauma has outlived any endurance I still battle as I try to keep moving forward. So I wonder when it will subside. When will it cease? Will it ever stop? Will I ever become tolerant of my life, myself, and the past that I can’t alter but am incapable to move past…..

I can think back to a family vacation somewhere on the central coast of California. We went camping near the beach. I think it was my final family vacation. I was 13 or 14 years old and beginning my descent down a path to hell.

I recall pleading with my parents and my friends parents to allow her to go with us on this trip. I had an infatuation with her older brother. I recognize now what my emotions were but had no understanding or life experience to deal with the normalities of growing up. I had no concept I was searching for acceptance & love. I lacked the familiarity that this would not be the manner to love thru her brother.

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