My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • WAITING FOR MY HERO

    My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED… WAITING FOR MY HERO Read more

  • MY RUPTURED BOUNDARIES…MY EXPOSED SOUL

    I nevertheless labor through all I surrendered within myself for so many years. I know I must stop and acknowledge my behavior toward my cherished … MY RUPTURED BOUNDARIES…MY EXPOSED SOUL Read more

  • MY RUPTURED BOUNDARIES…MY EXPOSED SOUL

    I nevertheless labor through all I surrendered within myself for so many years. I know I must stop and acknowledge my behavior toward my cherished ones as well as myself. My life account will always remain what it was and what it is. There are the problems I persist to validate my trauma with. Of […] Read more

  • Life goes on

    In my blessed life events keep happening. I realize this is just LIFE. It’s all in the way I react or handle situations as to how things turn out. Since I’ve accepted I’m NOT perfect as I convinced myself of. That was a joke. I’m able to help my parents with whatever comes up. Like […] Read more

  • Confusion

    Occasionally I can’t decide my memories. Which are substantial memories and flashbacks due to TRAUMA. An example is just now I recalled a Great Dane dog my family had when I was about 4 years old. I’m trying to remember his name, but I can not. I discern fear for our dog. Numerous times my […] Read more

  • LEARNING TO COPE

    I still recall the day when I detached my existence one more time. This juncture came at the expense of my daughter. She was five years old. We were driving to a friend’s house. I’d been struggling to unravel what I felt was occurring to her, us. I communicated with her about Husband #2 not […] Read more

WAITING FOR MY HERO

My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • WAITING FOR MY HERO

    My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED… WAITING FOR MY HERO Read more

  • MY RUPTURED BOUNDARIES…MY EXPOSED SOUL

    I nevertheless labor through all I surrendered within myself for so many years. I know I must stop and acknowledge my behavior toward my cherished … MY RUPTURED BOUNDARIES…MY EXPOSED SOUL Read more

  • MY RUPTURED BOUNDARIES…MY EXPOSED SOUL

    I nevertheless labor through all I surrendered within myself for so many years. I know I must stop and acknowledge my behavior toward my cherished ones as well as myself. My life account will always remain what it was and what it is. There are the problems I persist to validate my trauma with. Of […] Read more

  • Life goes on

    In my blessed life events keep happening. I realize this is just LIFE. It’s all in the way I react or handle situations as to how things turn out. Since I’ve accepted I’m NOT perfect as I convinced myself of. That was a joke. I’m able to help my parents with whatever comes up. Like […] Read more

  • Confusion

    Occasionally I can’t decide my memories. Which are substantial memories and flashbacks due to TRAUMA. An example is just now I recalled a Great Dane dog my family had when I was about 4 years old. I’m trying to remember his name, but I can not. I discern fear for our dog. Numerous times my […] Read more

  • LEARNING TO COPE

    I still recall the day when I detached my existence one more time. This juncture came at the expense of my daughter. She was five years old. We were driving to a friend’s house. I’d been struggling to unravel what I felt was occurring to her, us. I communicated with her about Husband #2 not […] Read more

%d bloggers like this: