do remember the moment #2 told me he didn’t think he could have children. He said he was unable. At the time, I was still ignorant of a lot of issues in life as well as we never used protection. So I thought I had no reason to believe he would lie about that. Of course, this was the beginning of our relationship. He had already displayed many red flags that I did not see.
I found a small tape recorder taped under a lower closet in the hallway of the apartment. I can’t recall why I had bent down so low and happened to glance at the linen closet door.
A high school friend was staying at the apartment till she could move. So I looked again as I was practically laying on the floor at a closer range. I didn’t know what it was until I pulled it from the wall area. As soon as I held it in my hand, I identified it. My friend was in the living room. I yelled to her, “look at what I found taped under the closet!” “She stared at it a few seconds with an expression on her face of disbelief. I told her, “#2 is such a fucking piece of shit!” “He has been recording me when he leaves!”
I was so angry! I played some of it. All it had was a comment I made once in a long while. Most were nothing. I said I think I’ll call my mom. Wow! Great stuff, huh?!
When he came home, I lost it! Even though I told myself not to. Naturally, I knew he would deny it. Then have the nerve to say he had to he knows I’m cheating on him. He told me, “ I know someone is living in the attic.”
Yes, that is a quote from #2! During this time, we rarely had drugs. At least I know I didn’t. He is erratic behavior resembled someone on meth. He also has characteristics of psychopath/narcissist behavior, so it was difficult to determine which. So that I’m, I didn’t give a fuck what his deal was because I hated him. I had begun to figure out how evil #2 was. Slowly moments we’re making a little more sense to me. Just not enough, though. Because of my character defects, I rarely went with my first gut instincts, so I continued to repeat the same mistakes hoping for different results. I wanted to have it all go my way. How I believed it should be.
I had no realization then about this, so nothing changed.
I had him entirely against a wall this time about the recording, and he knew it. He knew no matter what he tried to say. I disputed it with the solid truth.
I also knew the more I made him feel cornered, the angrier he became like me. I’d become so numb to everything and everyone I didn’t care that one more physical beating was next from him. I automatically would think, “protect my face.” I think about how I functioned to become complacent with this thought and others over and over.
I couldn’t see any way out. Where would I go? I had no money, not a dime. How would I get anywhere? I didn’t have a car of my own. Eventually, these questions disappeared from my brain. The worst part is I wasn’t able to be a good, loving mother to my baby girl! I carry this along with my son every day of my existence, and I should!
AGAINST MY SOUL 