Allow me to give some insight of my childhood and what I can remember. My father was in the Air Force for 20 years. Thirteen of those years I experienced all that comes with a dysfunctional Air Force family. My memories are vague and few. My family moved to Colorado Springs. I recall the fear I had on my first day of kindergarten. I couldn’t understand why my mom was leaving me in a huge building filled with kids and adults. I began to cry in hopes I could just go home. Throughout my years growing up we moved many places mostly overseas. My mom was so wrapped up with my dad’s drinking and physically abusing her she saw no one nor anything else. Of course this is all hindsight because what does a five year old know. I began having what I believe were evil nightmares. I still have nightmares today. A reaccuring one was me running all over at a beach. The whole time I could see a huge tital wave coming towards land. The fear, worry and horror felt extremely real even after I woke up. I was searching for my mom and sisters in hopes to save us all. We were going to die if that huge wave hit us. I couldn’t find them. Then I’d wake up. It would take hours for me to shake the emotions from that nightmare. One other nightmare I’ve had over and over I’m being chased by something I felt wanted to hurt me. Something that was evil. I would be in an older three story house running up stairs trying to get away. Just horrible. I learned how to tell myself while in the nightmares to wake up. Wake up until I truly woke.the rare times I have this evil in my sleep I literally pray to God. I recite prayers over and over till I wake.my husband tells me he has heard me praying, watched me kick my legs as if I were kicking something. He has watched me flail my arms out as if I’m punching. I grew up watching domestic abuse my dad would inflict upon my mom. This occurred at least twice a week. I was about 8 years old when this dysfunction began to come together in my head. Although I still had no idea life wasn’t like this for everyone. When it would happen I’d go to my room shut my door and wait till it was over. I ever was comfortable with this but I just had no knowledge. I believe my parents did the best they could. I’m telling it though I never felt love from them, can’t remember them saying it to me, no hugging, no nurturing. Usually it was negativity if they spoke to us. I’ll continue later.
AGAINST MY SOUL 