It is Life. Sometimes it’s difficult and sometimes it is not. I was trying to write of the PTSD. I can hear a familiar song I have liked then within seconds my brain is flashing back to some horrible time involving a ex-husband. Recently I listened to “back to Life” I do not know the actual title or who sang it. Husband #2 seemed to enjoy this song and play it over and over everytime we drove somewhere.
In my marriage today I still catch myself apologizing for not having dinner done when he gets home, or not cleaning the bedroom, or for my nasty attitude that arises suddenly with no explanation. I used to make sure I told him about every move I made. I strive in being the perfect wife for him. I dont feel worthy of all his love and kindness sometimes. I wont know how to respond to compliments he gives me. I suppose it’s me not believing I deserve the nice, the calm, wonderful life. I can see a tool company truck occasionally and immediately I am back in that mental hell. This is what his Dad drove when I was a prisoner there. Now I am just a prisoner in my own head. This is what I fight forward through every day. Although it is ok because I am blessed, grateful and do what I need to do when these moments come up. I am who I am.
AGAINST MY SOUL 