My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • IS THIS WHAT MARRIAGE IS?

    This marriage was far from normal and extremely dysfunctional, I just didn’t know this then. I was constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why did I make him so angry that he beat on me, why couldn’t I get Husband #1 to love me? Why wouldn’t he stop dealing drugs like […] Read more

  • A NINETY DAY BREAK

    Where I’d been, I left the destruction that was my life behind. Although I’d wished so many times that I could make this a reality with my addiction and me, this did not occur.Two days following my release from the gracious 90-day drug rehab, I was with two of their newly released individuals in a […] Read more

  • Continued CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARES

    So, basically, what I didn’t know then has been a relentless path full of insanity, horrible choices that only led to more and countless unlearned situations I could have made lessons to not repeat or to possibly grown from. Not me, not my life. The hurt, pain, turmoil, abuse, eventually became normalcy for me because […] Read more

  • CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARES

    My dad was a complete raging alcoholic, but growing up I didn’t know it was an addiction he had. An addiction that controlled his every thought and action of every day for years. An addiction that made my dad hateful, physically, and emotionally abusive towards his wife and children. An addiction he would eventually be […] Read more

  • MY DAUGHTER WAS VIOLATED

    Do you remember me? I remember you. Last time you faced me I was a small helpless little girl. Have you thrown the letter away yet? That’s probably what you would do since you cant face how much of a monster you are. Throwing this letter out is the coward thing to do. I would […] Read more

  • Narcissistic or Psychopath

    I would call, or neighbors called police they would show up. At times I would lie and say we were arguing loudly, I’m fine. I’d said this so many times with bruises, scratches, on my face and neck, yet they never arrested him. Only after OJ Simpson did people wake up as to domestic violence, […] Read more

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