My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • THERE WAS NO WHITE PICKET FENCE FOR ME

    Husband #1had physically began hitting me in apple valley.then always apologizing after each time. Which at first I accepted but I quickly built up anger and didn’t give a shit what he said. I wish I could remember the reasons this happened but I can’t. The VV apartment his beatings to me became worse. His […] Read more

  • WITNESS TO MY PAIN

    I felt that FEAR, but I also felt comfort and understood I had safety because I was going home where my parents were. For a little moment, I imagined there was a means out of this complete short life and marriage I got myself into. This was nearly the end of this marriage. #1 made […] Read more

  • CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH

    I found a small tape recorder fastened under a lower closet in the hallway of the apartment. I can’t think of why I had bent down so low and caught sight of it. I pulled the recorder from under the closet. I stood examining it in mistrust. I thought, why would it be taped and […] Read more

  • LEARNED BEHAVIOR

    The domestic violence that became so regular between my parents began to pry it’s ugly traits into my soul. I hated my dad more and more. I couldn’t understand if my mom cried from this why wouldn’t my dad stop, improve things. Read more

  • IN THE BEGINNING

    Oh yes I fought back the best I could at first. The beatings became more violent whenever I’d hit back to defend myself. So I found myself docile, I’d let him abuse me over and over just laying there while he hurt me in hopes he would tire from me not fighting back. No such […] Read more

  • LEARNING TO COPE

    My mind began to learn how to separate from my body, to numb situations I couldn’t handle. The pain so overwhelming I had to numb things out to stay sane! Read more

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