My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.
I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.
Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul
Oh yes I fought back the best I could at first. The beatings became more violent whenever I’d hit back to defend myself. So I found myself docile, I’d let him abuse me over and over just laying there while he hurt me in hopes he would tire from me not fighting back. No such […] Read more