My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.
I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.
Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul
So despite the hatred that had been forming inside me, I still married Husband #1. My insecurities, the need to be loved still remained. Our relationship never progressed into a marriage that was worth any efforts from either of us. Too much had happened in such a small time line that recovering was not an […] Read more
Why the fuck are you over here!?” He yelled. I don’t recall what I said because it wouldn’t have mattered. He grabbed me by my arm yanking me closer to him and the with his closed fist he punched me under my eye and downwards towards my mouth. I was so upset as I watched […] Read more
Although because I was 7 months pregnant I actually thought just maybe he wouldn’t hurt me physically. I was wrong. He rushed at me while I was standing next to the bed and literally kicked me directly in my stomach! I fell to my knees in disbelief screaming at him saying you’re a fucking loser, […] Read more