My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul




    My family and recollections of when I was a child is why I’m making notes. I think back extensively for memories. Some will flee thru my thoughts at random junctures. Usually, because a song came on while I was driving. When I’m irritated, angry, or hurt is when my guilt & trauma becomes overwhelming. It […] Read more

  • VFL003408

    On May 4, 1994 I filed again with the courts involving custody of my son & restraining order. Husband#2 succeeded in shoving me into his truck and drove off. The entire time I begged him toilet me return to the house because I was responsible for children. He drove to the next block. I attempted […] Read more

  • PC 273.5(a)

    On January 11, 1993 Husband#2 was finally sentenced in court. PC273.5(a) in California is the code for FELONY SPOUSAL ABUSE. Somehow Husband#2 weaseled his way out of a felony. His prior probation officer suggested to the judge the following: It is therefore respectfully recommended pronouncement of judgment be withheld for the offense of Spousal Abuse, […] Read more

  • Husband#1

    Husband#1 is not overlooked. I believe he could be assessed as the prep for Husband#2. Tragic to say although it’s truth. When I met this Mr. Wondernot I was 18. I see my justifications now for latching onto the first man who paid any attention to me. All the dysfunctional childhood incidents left me very […] Read more

  • The Depth of Dysfunctional

    Unfortunately, I’m incapable to think back to why, or shall I say what was the justification. The first motive Husband #2 battered me & raped me this time. All I understand and hold emotionally to this instant is how my little girl was thrust to observe this horrendous time. Whatever the rationale in his disgusted […] Read more

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