My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • A Night at the ER

    I did not have to wait long to be seen at the ER. It appeared the doctors and the nurses were stunned as everyone else. My adrenaline must have calmed because I began to feel pain. The nurse was explaining as she scrubbed the wound on my head; what she was doing. The device the […] Read more

  • ANOTHER 911 CALL

    Now this became a catalyst to the pepper spray. The swelling and redness around my eyes kept its climb in intensity from the heat of this day. The burning and breathing troubles were the same intensity. Read more

  • JUST A LITTLE EMPATHY, PLEASE

    I got into my car after literally begging and crying for his dad to let me go! I drove to the nearest store to call 911 from a pay phone. Even the 911 operator tone of voice did not sound concerned or interested in what I was telling her what happened. The overwhelming heartache for […] Read more

  • The Disbelief

    Parts of the chapters before nonetheless must be purged. We were living in an apartment that didn’t last long. We had some furniture. Some glass top-end tables, a charming kid-size bed for my little girl. I decorated her room with numerous stuffed animals that posed in a net attached to the corner ceiling. Coloring books […] Read more

  • FAR FROM NORMAL

    http://domestic-violence-memior-blog.comMy family was not like anyone’s I figured out. Mine was in endless upheaval from my parents and domestic abuse I witnessed. Alcoholism with all its glory tearing away at anything promising or any opportunities to have any normality. I didn’t figure out why things were not like this nor did I hold the capacity […] Read more

  • BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE

    Yes this is me, I’ve lived & I’m living on both sides of the fence. I can’t determine which side is eviler. When your immediate relative s are so dysfunctional there’s no one but myself making an effort to support her but from a distance. One issue lately has risen its ugly head. This would […] Read more

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