My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • AGAINST MY SOUL

    No sadness in regards to the previous insults that were my life.it was what it was. Every day I learn more of who I am, how I strive to be and enjoy the immense joy that I’ve been given the opportunity to live. I write this on a gorgeous coast today I share with my […] Read more

  • DYSFUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLISM

    Life today keeps going within the family I grew up with. I hadn’t spoken to nor seen my younger sister in several years until last June. She had persisted to drink and provoke drama with family members as well as me. It pushed too far at one moment when she chatted about me. I am […] Read more

  • Another Part of My Soul

    All my adverse memories from both ex-husbands are basis of my therapies. Recollect then process to minimize any future Triggers. I can’t discern why I will unexpectedly flashback to some horrendous moment I underwent with one of them. I can be doing any ordinary thing during my day when it transpires. Sometimes I will come […] Read more

  • RAGE & HATE

    I still recall the first time Husband #2 physically abused me. My little girl began to cry so I turned around to see why. She pointed to the back seat floor of his car where her doll was. I reached over to pick it up and as I was explaining to him while attempting to […] Read more

  • I CONTINUE TO CARRY THE TRAUMA

    Today is what I cherish. Sometimes it has been a struggle to cherish & be grateful for my wonderful life. It’s almost 30+ years I have been a person that I know isn’t my true self. I still have basic life trigger me some serious and some I ignore. The PTSD does not make me […] Read more

  • AM I JUST MISERABLE?

    I never guessed about my ex-husbands’ remarks to me. Several times, each one declared while physically beating me, “I love fighting, and I’m just miserable.” My focus was always trying to get the beatings to stop. Today I challenge what my Triggers are in my marriage. Was I just exhausted and grumpy yesterday? I enjoyed […] Read more

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