My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formed slowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no foundation to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. The guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests.

I learned to not arguing back or call him names. Although this was difficult because I am human. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless occasions causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though I ended up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt satisfied. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. This was always Against My Soul.

Following his abuse inflicted on me he would stop and walk to a different room and say nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

  • Life’s Transitioning when its your parents

    I have robbed my parents of raising a decent child. This went on through my premature adulthood. I did not recognize how my prosecutions and aftermaths affected my parents and siblings throughout the numerous years I wasn’t existing. I define living in a sense as being late for holiday gatherings, is pleaded to borrow money, […] Read more

  • TRIGGERS (continued)

    When I realize something triggered my soul it comes in many forms. I have this fear of abandonment. I really trust very few people in my world and that is difficult. I can begin a scenario in my head about anything if I feel I’m being lied to, cheated on, etc… if my husband takes […] Read more

  • The Triggers

    If I’d been asked in my early years if I believed people can be traumatized to various levels… Trauma that could impact a persons self identity, trauma that would be AGAINST MY SOUL; I’d said no. As with all things in life you really don’t know or understand anything until you have experienced it. Good […] Read more

  • Life Still Happens

    I realize my life is very crazy with health issues and my immediate family.It’s just as sudden for me as well as for my new job.The past few monthsMy mom had a TIA, found a spot on her brain after CT, she’s falling prior to this.My Dad just let me know a couple of days […] Read more

  • DIFFICULT TRUTH

    How difficult is it to learn one more time who your parents really are? It’s soul crushing! It is AGAINST MY SOUL. To hear from a sibling what your parents feel and say to them about me, their first daughter. All the small comments, opinions, hateful words continue today. Things I have never thought, said […] Read more

  • Internal

    I can’t breathe I thought while I panicked. I laid on my back while Husband #2 sat on me with his hands gripping my neck choking me. The immense fear I have no words to describe. I skirmed as much as I could trying to get out from under him. This only caused him to […] Read more

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