My first marriage = Husband #1 seemed to be the precursor of marriages. I use to recall or FLASHBACK to moments and feel the intense and overwhelming HATRED I held inside of me. This HATRED formedslowly towards Husband #1. Being very young at twenty years old I was trying to make sense of the beatings and horrific names he would call me. I was just starting to live my life. I had no basis to reflect upon when necessary. No good examples to pull from. So my guessing games usually weren’t in my best interests, not my daughters. I learned to try not arguing back or call him names. I learned his moods in order to avoid any physical or mental abuse. I kept the apartment very clean down to the baseboard corners. I tried not to give him any excuses to look twice when it came to me. I was constantly cleaning, cooking, praising him for whatever pathetic bullshit he talked about. That’s what narcissists love…praise. I’d apologize any time he would become agitated. Which happened countless times causing my fear and passive demeanor to immediately react. I’d tell him he was right that I started it. He was right that I caused him to beat on me. Even though is end up on the floor while he punched and kicked me till he felt he was done. This would last 5 to 20 minutes. I was losing ME. He was chipping away at the little of me I had. So many times he would stop and walk to a different room and said nothing to me. I usually thought “why doesn’t this asshole say something to me after coming back to where he left me laying on the floor?” Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me he was sorry. By this point these things didn’t matter anymore to me. I accepted it won’t ever happen. I couldn’t fathom why he was so heartless, no sympathy, empathy, concern, cold, hateful when I would remain curled up in a fetal position for hours. True psychopath or sociopath? I believe psychopath. https://domestic-violence-memior-blog.wordpress.comhttp://Againstmysoul

Category: Domestic Abuse PTSD Narcissism Fear

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